My soundtrack: Pineapple Express by Huey Lewis & the News
https://youtu.be/pineappleexpress
Someone recently asked me how I met all my nutty friends. Without even thinking, I replied, "Crazy people naturally gravitate to me." While my response was in jest, upon reflection I realize there may be some truth to the statement.
This can't be any more true than when I travel. Back in the heyday of flight, passengers actually dressed up to board a plane. It was an event in which you wanted to look your best. Now I'm not surprised if half the people on my flight are wearing pajama's. And don't get me started on the crankiness and rudeness. But that's enough about me.
We have family who reside in San Diego so my husband and I travel there frequently. I know what you're thinking - first world problems. But spending time in sunny, southern California isn't the problem. It's the flight there. That's when they - the crazy people - come out of the woodwork to torment me.
There's that time the man sitting directly behind my husband projectile vomited. Then there's the time a lady (I use that term loosely) walked down the aisle of the plane and screamed, "Whoever brought on the burrito with onions, I'm gonna kick your ass!" She then proceeded to sit across the aisle from my husband and me and painstakingly describe her life in the porn industry. I have to admit I hung on every word.
But those incidents pale in comparison to our latest flight on Southwest Airlines. This flight will go down in infamy for me.
We start with a 2 hour travel delay due to fog which is my first sign this day is not going to go as planned. Everyone is thrilled when we board the plane for a second time and it looks like we're actually going to take off. That's when I spot him and he walks into my crazy life. Down the aisle proudly strolls a grown man wearing lime green knee socks, lime green t-shirt and lime green and yellow pineapple shorts. Did I mention this is a grown man? My mean girl emerges as I lean over to my husband giggling and whisper, "Nice outfit!" He is affectionately referred to as Mr. Pineapple Pants for the remainder of the flight.
We start with a 2 hour travel delay due to fog which is my first sign this day is not going to go as planned. Everyone is thrilled when we board the plane for a second time and it looks like we're actually going to take off. That's when I spot him and he walks into my crazy life. Down the aisle proudly strolls a grown man wearing lime green knee socks, lime green t-shirt and lime green and yellow pineapple shorts. Did I mention this is a grown man? My mean girl emerges as I lean over to my husband giggling and whisper, "Nice outfit!" He is affectionately referred to as Mr. Pineapple Pants for the remainder of the flight.
All tray tables are in their upright position so we take off for what seems to be an uneventful trip. That is until about 2 hours into the flight.
My husband and I get up at the same time to go to the restroom so we cause the least amount of disturbance to our seat mate. Somehow Mr. Pineapple Pants falls in behind my husband. As he is about to enter the restroom, Mr. Pineapple Pants asks, "How badly do you need to go?" Taken aback by the odd question, my husband responds, "Pretty bad but I'll be quick." I'm then left with the unfortunate task of waiting in the service area with my crazy, new friend. I'm minding my own business when I suddenly hear the flight attendant shout, "Sir, you CANNOT do that! Sir, sir, stop that now!" Startled, I turn around to find Mr. Pineapple Pants' back to me but I can only assume the worst. "Is he peeing?" I ask the flight attendant incredulously. She retorts, "Yes! In a cup!" (I confirm later with my husband that you can't "stop that" once it's started. I don't want to know how he knows this.)
Turning her attention back to the crisis at hand, the flight attendant barks, "Please do not touch anything!" My worst fears have come true. No more drink service and I only have half a Bloody Mary left! I inquire of the flight attendant how soon we are landing when she looks at me and deadpans, "Not soon enough." You gotta love those Southwest Airlines flight attendants.
In a cruel twist, once we land no one is allowed to disembark. A cleaning crew bursts into the back of the plane like a raid in a cop show and cleans that mess up before we're allowed to get up from our seats. Once we finally de-plane, I notice the flight attendant speaking to the police as we step onto the jet bridge. Mr. Pineapple Pants is detained and questioned and I'm hopeful the offender will recompense his victims for the buzz kill.
Within a few minutes we see Mr. Pineapple Pants at baggage claim acting as if nothing unusual has happened. I guess peeing in a cup in the service area of a plane is not an actionable offense which is laughable because I've been practically stripped searched for going through security with a full size tube of toothpaste in my purse. What have you got to do to get arrested these days? Surely the outfit alone was a crime. I am serious. . . And don't call me Shirley.
