Your Failures to Try

"Our ability to adapt is amazing.  Our ability to change isn't quite as spectacular."  Lisa Lutz

What is it about change that sometimes throws us for a loop, makes us question our life choices, and gives us sleepless nights?  We like our routines.  Wake up, exercise, shower, IV of coffee, commute (swearing under breath), work, work, more work, fight traffic (more swearing), pick your cereal for dinner, go to bed, wake up, do it all again.  No surprises, no curve balls.  We become like androids, never deviating from the program.  But for some reason, we derive comfort from our regimen.

One day, as if awakening from a coma, I declared out of the blue "I think I'll quit my job." My husband glanced my way momentarily and returned to watching his favorite Jackass episode.   In hindsight I believe he just thought it was a maniacal utterance, one that wouldn't have to be acknowledged because it was never going to happen.  "I'm really going to do it."  Whew.  It was out there.  And I meant it this time.

My husband and I continued our normal routine, never giving credence to my outburst.  But at work I was transformed.  Things that normally made me crazy slid right off my back.  A million assignments from my bosses?  No problem!  Having to learn an entirely new system to track my time?  Why not! Working another 10 hour day?  Piece of cake.  I knew it was all temporary because the words "I think I'll quit my job" had actually gone from my lips into the universe.  There was no going back.  I was going to quit.  One day.  I swear.

That one day arrived.  I was ready to jump into the abyss of unemployment.  Hadn't I declared I was going to quit six months ago?  By golly, I did it!  I later sent a text to my husband that I had gone through with it and given my notice.  "Great" was all I received in reply.  Somehow I don't think he really meant it.

On the surface, my husband was supportive.  We went to dinner at a nice restaurant with friends and celebrated my "retirement" with expensive wine and toasts.  He said all the right things.  "You deserve a break."  "We'll be fine."  But as my final day at work approached, the dialogue became different.  He started saying random things like "We need to do about $50,000 of repairs to the house."  Really?  Did I miss some natural disaster?  "Do we really need a maid?"  Are you kidding me?  I live with 2 men and a dog.  We could qualify for an episode of Hoarders.  "How much do you spend on wine a month?"  Back off, buddy.  How much did you spend on those 3 motorcycles and 2 race cars?  You really want to go there?  "Do you want to be cremated or buried?"  WTH?

So here I am.  Unemployed, week dos.  And I have to admit, I'm kinda bored. (Don't tell my husband.)  I went from working 50-60 hour weeks on complex cases with grueling deadlines to taking 2 hour naps in the afternoon.  It doesn't help that it's rained everyday for the past month and I've been trapped inside my house.  There's only so many closets to clean out, only so many wreaths you can make for your front door, only so many episodes of Arrested Development that you can binge watch  I updated my LinkedIn profile but I wasn't sure what to list as my profession.  Bored housewife?  Aspiring writer?  Party planner extraordinaire?  Who am I?  It's hard to know when you're 52 and your whole life has been defined by your former job or as someone's mom.  

I have a friend who's mantra is "No change is good change."  For the longest time I believed that or better yet, convinced myself that he was right - no change is good.  I now see it for what it was - a defense mechanism for staying the course and not challenging myself.  To be quite honest, I've never really failed at anything because I've never stepped out in faith and tried something unconventional. I was too scared.  What would my friends and family think?  Would they laugh at me?  Are they reading this blog and thinking it's lame?   I don't think I care any more.  It's time to try.

My father had a poem hanging on his law office wall for over 50 years.  He just recently gave it to my son who is about to venture out on his own and attempt to fulfill his lifelong dream.  I'm taking the words to heart as well.

"Your Failures to Try" by Tom Q. Ellis

If you honestly tried but you honestly failed in
  a cause that you knew was worthwhile;

If your good faith was questioned, your motives assailed,
  you can meet these assaults with a smile.

True values of life that lend strength to the soul
  are not measured by public acclaim;

If you played the game square but fell short of the goal;
  you're a winner tho' losing the game.
The failures you make after giving your best,
  oft are blessings that come in disguise;

Your courage to try is the infinite test
  that your failure to try but denies.
When life's ledger is closed and all failures must bide,
  to be scanned by the All-Seeing Eye,
He'll condemn not the failures you made when you tried,
  but rather your failures to try.