It's a Lovely Ride

My Soundtrack:  The Secret of Life by James Taylor
https://www.youtube.com/secretoflife

I haven't written my blog for awhile but I'm starting to see all the end-of-year retrospectives and resolutions so I thought I would join in and give a parting shot to 2016.  

For as long as I can remember, I've been running away and making excuses.  I never wanted to deal with problems.  I tried to ignore them and hoped they would go away.  Nor would I ever step up to the plate and take responsibility for much of anything.  I could always blame something or someone else for my circumstances.  And I never wanted to put myself out there for fear of failure.  That horrible, small voice in the back of my head constantly tells me I'm not talented or smart enough. 

Like everyone else in the world, I have dreams.  I always had the usual dreams of a husband, 3.2 kids, house and dog but my ultimate aspirations always involved travel and writing.  When I was in my 20's I confided in a friend about wanting to move and live in Australia.  I tried to talk her into going with me because I was too afraid to go alone.  Of course, that was my dream and not hers, so she wanted no part of it.  I never made it to Australia.

I've always been better at the written word as opposed to the spoken word.  The south is an incubator  for many raconteurs.  Both fiction and non-fiction stories fill the recesses of my brain.  My intent is always to eventually put them on paper.    Once again the demons show up.  I'm too busy working at my real job to earn money to pay my bills. No one wants to read anything I write. I can't get anything published.  The excuses go on and on.  

I was talking to someone on the phone last night when this person screamed at me, "Are we all living in denial?"  Maybe.  Maybe that's why I've been binge-watching Gilmore Girls.  Reality, problems and our inner demons are sometimes hard to face.  The funny thing about trying to run from problems is that I soon discover they are just hiding in the shadows, waiting to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune moments.  And those voices in my head telling me I'm not good enough never really go away.  

2016 has brought me the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I abruptly quit a good job albeit one I didn't love and soon discovered I am much happier doing contract work.  Through this blog, I discovered I am a decent writer and can actually get paid for it. I've also learned that I can't ignore unpleasant family issues in the hopes they will go away.  It takes planning, patience and my presence. There's no room for denial.  I've also seen the best and the worst in people this year but I choose to believe the good far outweighs the bad no matter how hard it is to see sometimes.  Finally, I'm learning to turn down the volume to those inner demons and to step out on a limb.

As I leave Stars Hollow and re-enter the real world, I peer into the rear view mirror of 2016 with mixed emotions.  I refuse to join in with the people who are ready to give the middle finger to the year and move on to 2017.  I've learned a lot about myself in 2016, the most important being that the secret of life is just enjoying the ride.