A Year Changes You A Lot

Let me but live my life from year to year, 
With forward face and unreluctant soul; 
Not hurrying to, nor turning from the goal; 
Not mourning for the things that disappear 
In the dim past, nor holding back in fear 
From what the future veils; but with a whole 
And happy heart, that pays its toll 
To Youth and Age, and travels on with cheer.

So let the way wind up the hill or down, 
O'er rough or smooth, the journey will be joy: 
Still seeking what I sought when but a boy, 
New friendship, high adventure, and a crown, 
My heart will keep the courage of the quest, 
And hope the road's last turn will be the best.

By:  Henry Van Dyke

2017 was a tumultuous year that shot me to the highest heights then sent me reeling to the bottom, violently lurching me like an old wooden roller coaster at an amusement park.  Many times I felt like I wouldn't survive and prayed for the ride to end.  And just like when you step off a roller coaster, my equilibrium was was thrown off.  My world felt topsy-turvy and nothing made sense anymore.  The smallest incidents would cause a rage from deep inside of me to emerge and lash out at the people I loved.  The majority of times, I couldn't even remember why I was mad.  I just was.  Wrapped around that anger was inconsolable Grief.  Regret.  Guilt.  Failure.

Finally, with the encouragement, no, urging of my husband, I got counseling.  Through a program at my church called GriefShare, I came to realize I wasn't crazy.  The feelings I was experiencing were valid.  Better yet, it was ok to express those feelings.  I learned that crying is ok and actually releases tension.  (Ok, maybe not at the grocery store on the condiment aisle over Grey Poupon mustard.) I learned I had to let those feelings flow out of me so they would gradually decrease in intensity to the point where I could remember my loved one without pain.   The memories eventually became more bittersweet than painful.  

2017 changed me a lot.  It required much soul searching.  It made me question many things in my life.  I quit writing and journaling.  I debated whether to continue this blog.  Then one day I looked out my back door at some pansies I had planted in several pots around my back yard. Pansies get a bad rap.  Small, delicate flowers - you think they can't take much abuse. After a few uncharacteristically frigid days in Texas that included sleet and some snow, I thought the pansies were doomed.  They withered and shriveled under the weight of the ice.  Once the ice melted, they looked like blobs of purple mush.  Much to my surprise, when the sun came out and the temps rose a few degrees, those little flowers perked right up!  Their riotous blooms now brighten an otherwise dull, brown yard.

2017 changed me a lot.  But ultimately for the better.  And like those pansies on my back deck, I found an inner strength.  I re-emerged, a little different but brighter.  I've forgiven - mainly myself.  I did the best  I could under extremely difficult circumstances.  I've come through the fog of grief and look forward to a year of new adventures.  There's still sadness that overtakes me every now and then but that's ok.  I'm embracing life, the rough and the smooth, with a whole and happy heart.  

Just to make sure I don't take this next year for granted, I've decided to have some sort of adventure every month - be it big or small.  I came up with a list of categories of adventures and I will strive to experience every. single. one. with forward face and unreluctant soul.

I hope you will come along.  The journey will be joy.

1.  Charitable adventure

2.  Local adventure

3.  International adventure

4.  Culinary adventure

5.  Sports adventure

6.  Athletic adventure

7.  Aquatic adventure

8.  Spur-of-the-Moment adventure

9.  Musical adventure

10.  Cocktail adventure

11.  Musical/Dancing adventure

12.  Motorcycle adventure (This is for my husband!)

13.  Family adventure

14.  Literary adventure